Dear Hannah Baker

~Dear Hannah,

The last noted date on the depositions was 10 November 2017. So by rights, you are still here and somewhat ok. I feel like I need to write this to you, a fictional character, to let you and who ever else is reading this, that you saved me over the last few weeks. ~

While watching this show (13 Reasons Why) I have been entering deeper stages of my PTSD/Anxiety/Depression/Whatever recovery. I have also been knee deep in studies and examinations. I have also found out that the perpetrator who I thought had left my town is in fact, back and dating again. He has also graduated from University. Just a few weeks ago.

After I found out about the graduating, I felt a whole new level of anger and fear that I haven’t felt before. He’s back. He’s moved on. He has graduated and started a whole new life for himself. He has taken everything away from me that I ever wanted.

He took my graduation, my love, my trust, my studies, my path and my future all away from me. This guy who could barely spell has completely thrown my life sideways. He has given me nothing but fear and hatred.

I could paint a picture of him for you: Imagine Bryce Walker from 13 Reasons Why. Imagine Bryce at university. Imagine the letterman jackets that he would still be wearing. Imagine a Bryce that used to be great at sport but had been plagued by injury and now was angry at the world. Imagine a Bryce who thought he had been fucked over by women everywhere, and now he had to hurt them back. Imagine that Bryce met me.

What I really loved about this show was that it made me feel less alone. It made me realise that my situation isn’t unique and that the ‘Bryce’ of the world is everywhere and in unexpected ways. Hannah Baker is not like me. Hannah is stylish and pretty and is noticed by the boys at her school, even if she didn’t want to be.

Hannah is a warrior. She had an epic battle against her and although she lost, her story is something to behold. Her story made me realise that what I am feeling does not make me insane or deluded. It also made me realise that hurting myself and ending it all would only hurt those around me that care. It would only hurt me for a moment and then it would all be over. I wouldn’t feel a thing. I wouldn’t get to see the reactions of the people that I care about. I wouldn’t get to see my distraught parents trying to figure out why I did what I was thinking of doing. I wouldn’t get to see the boy I love realise that he should have loved me back when he had the chance. I wouldn’t get to see the perpetrator live a normal life and get away with it. Hannah didn’t get to see any of this. But we, the viewers, did.

~Hannah, please know that you are not alone in this. Please believe that it will be ok, even though we both know it isn’t going to be ok. I hope with every inch of what is possible to hope on that the Bryce’s of the world get what is coming to them. I hope that they watch this show and realise what monsters they are. Even if they don’t think they are monsters, I hope that the people watching who have seen the monsters, take action and stop them. I hope that victim blaming stops being an issue in this society. Why would a dead girl lie? Why on earth would someone lie about being raped or sexually assaulted. Why?~ 

The laws surrounding this in my country are flawed and set up in such a way that it is separated state by state. It is done in such a way that if a complaint was made against the perpetrator, that they would know who made the complaint and they would figure out how to find them. This is why I am choosing to write this on here instead of going to the authorities. I know what would happen if he found out about this. If he were sent to jail and left to ponder why he was there. He would think of the reason he is there, which would be me. On release, what would he think to do then? Murdering someone can be instantaneous. Murdering them out of revenge would be measured and painful. Making someone live in fear for the rest of their lives would be too easy. Making sure that they are so afraid to let themselves be open to love again so they stay alone forever, in complete hopeless misery? That is the best revenge of all.

~Your story has allowed me to feel things and to not feel alone. I hope for all of our sakes, that the Bryce’s in the world get what they have coming to them. The laws around this sort of thing have to change, and I for one cannot wait for it to start.~ 

Love, x